Rules

Why is it that rules only "apply" to some people and not everyone. In every job I've ever had there have been rules but those rules only apply to the people who are too scared to act against them, but the second you get on the other side of the line they no longer apply...There are always rules but as long as you follow the simplest amout people dont notice all the things you're doing wrong...I've been on both sides...Right now at least at Hale I'm in limbo I don't necessarily doing things wrong but I'm not necessarily following the letter of the law either...I'm just doing things the way I've always done them...So I'm not perfect I'll admit it, but I do things better than everyone else and I stay outta trouble...That's what it's all about right?! I know it's short but I lost my fire...

Sigh Christmas time is coming!

Oh honey...What can I do to put a smile on her face, we just spent an amazing 4 days together and now it's Monday and I've had to come back to work...I hate working without you, you bring joy to every moment of my life, and I love that you're going to spend the rest of our lives with me! So what more can I do to make you smile, to keep that smile glowing from sun up to sun down? Big SIGH...It's Monday at 1:38, at least the day is most of the way over. It's coming close to Christmas, which has to be my favorite holiday, except maybe Halloween. I love the snow, I love the feel and the anticipation that's in the air this time of year! I love the music, the time, the season, the smell...I hate how busy I always am, and feel but I guess that's what comes with working in theatre at Christmas, shouldn't be as rushed since it's only one theatre and I've got 2 nights off and most of Saturday...I can't wait for it to snow, I wish it would just start right this second and not stop till next year, a month of snow can you imagine?! What joy it is to have time to celebrate...I can't wait till we can afford Christmas...2 more days! When will today be over...I want the season to begin...After this week we have Christmas Carol...40 some odd performances, starting December 5th, runs thru the 23rd YAY!!! I love CHRISTMAS...But not as much as I love my wife!

The need

How do I get rid of this built up hostility? I don't like being this way...I want to be someone completely different no one sees the person I used to be...So much has come over my soft inside that it's covered, covered by a rough film of ash...Once I knew who I was, what I was after years of pain and heartache I found my one and only who I ever want to lose, but the stress of life and all the shit that comes with it brings anger and pain. I once made the comment that I don't like christmas, and one of my friends said it's hard enjoying something when you're strapped for cash, at the time I was doing quite well on cash I could buy what I wanted when I wanted it. Now I realize why I can't be happy. It's because of this rugged exterior, it's poisened everything to the point that I dont feel, there's no pain, and therefore there's no happiness. It's all buried deep inside. I don't even cry anymore. I want to feel sad when things happen, but I can't bring myself to it, I get frustrated and I want to relax...I just need a reason for a good cry, I just don't have any. Nothing makes me as sad as I once felt, I was once so emotional, I cried when Angel dies in RENT...Now I don't even well up. What can I do to get rid of this, how do I feel again. Where is the pain when Brooke says goodbye. I don't want her to leave, but how do I show that. I've built up this wall so I don't have to let the emotions out. But sometime you just need to. The stress of it all piles up and comes out as frustration when I shouldn't be, I should be happy, scared, sad, joyful, ecstatic...I want these feeling even the hard ones to deal with I don't want frustration, rage or anger. I want somthing to feel good again! Every now and then the pain will fall apart and I should be left alone...Being cramped is not how I deal with things, being alone is the way to support me trying to deal, I know it's human nature to want to help, but if I'm having a hard time I need to deal with it before someone gets hurt I need to get it out, walk away and deal...This too shall pass but only if it gets out.

YAY SNOW

YAY SNOW...Tho it's been a beautiful fall, it is winter...And I ask the question, when is one allowed to start listening to Christmas music, most will say at least wait till thanksgiving...But I ask why...And after listening to the radio for about 20 minutes I realized, the beginning of November is not the time to be listening to it, tho the snow does put one in a Christmas mood, it is too early. There's just something about December that makes it just right for Christmas and it's music, I mean try Jesus was born in December and it just took 8 months for the wise man to make it to him. But back to the snow Yumi...I walked to lunch today and just wanted to run jump and play, I didn't but I wanted to. I love the snow it makes me sooo happy it's so great. I hate having to drive in it, but I love how it is when you're sitting in your house looking out at the snow cuddled with the one you love drinking hot coco in a blanket looking out at the beautiful whiteness fall! I love hot coco...Mmmm it is so good makes all the bad feelings go away I don't know how but it sure does it, esp with whip cream on top that is some amazing stuff. Why is it that makes things better? Im not sure but I'm glad it does!
Go have a cup you'll see!

HaPpY hAlLoWeEn

It's only the greatest holiday of the year, the time when you can be whatever you want. Nothing holding you back, what am I...A pirate, and my beautiful wife is my wench, how could I resist getting her in that costume I mean really! HOTTIE!!! There's very few things that make me as happy as Halloween, why? Because it's the start of the fun holiday season, Halloween, then Thanksgiving and finally Christmas...I love this season the snow will start to fall soon...The gloom of the morning sat dreary over us this morning, it was sooo beautiful, gave that extra feel it needed. Sigh I wish I didn't have to work today tho, it's sooo much better without! But we will spend the day working and then the night trick or treating with lil Jayde that'll be fun...And finally let the scare fest begin! Muahahahaha with scary movies until we all fall asleep! So what makes us all scared, why do we enjoy dressing like other people? I think it's cause we're all tired of being ourselves, it's nice to be someone else for a change, opening our imagination to someone elses life...There is no life I know to compare with pure imagination. Living there, you'll be free if you truly wish to be. If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it. Want to change the world there's nothing to it....HAPPY ALL HALLOW'S EVE!

It's that time again

It's that time of year again when the good holidays start...First Halloween which I love, It's always fun to dress up as something that you're not and be that person you always wanted to be while everyone around you is stuffing their faces with candy, and sweets, and happy being scared out of their wits...Next comes Thanksgiving the best time because you can stuff your face and no one cares cause they are too, so many good foods, Mmmm pumpkin pie! Then finally Christmas a time of year that we celebrate Christ's birth all because the Christians wanted to convert the Pagans. And now has become nothing more than a commercial holiday all about what we want and what we should get for others, I like giving and even getting. I just never know what I want anymore, it's the hardest thing in the world coming up with a "Christmas list" and every year it gets harder, I never know. I know there's plenty of things out there that would be nice to have, I just can't ever think of anything. I always love Christmas time, it's just hard to find time to think about it. The past few years it sure seems like it's over before it even starts. I love the snow and the music, I can hardly wait to be able to put Christmas music on my MP3 player but at the same time it's like ok wait till Halloween is over at least. So what do I want for Christmas? Peace on earth and good will toward men, Yeah like that'll ever happen. Sadly it seems people don't want peace and don't know how to be peaceful. Living in the days when every one's out to get each other, or steal from one another. How do we get to a point where we can live nicely and deal fairly with our fellow man? As Tiny Tim observed "God bless us everyone" and I do mean EVERYONE. May we all be happy this year while we live in debt and more and more are living on the street, it's not a depression but people seem to be getting more and more depressed. I wanna be happy, and want everyone to be as well. SMILE everyone it helps the pain go away!

Is it bad

I had everything I wanted to say written and what happened it all got erased, I don't know how but it did, and now my mind is clear. I know I asked is it bad if you dread the day ending because it means the beggining of a new one? And the beginning of that new one isn't the adventure it's supposed to be, it's an empty group of mixed up problems. You may be asking what am I rambling about? It's all the problems that I see laid before me, the dreams never fullfilled and not able to make happen now. Why? Because I'm not what I wanted to be, I'm sitting in Utah at a desk instead of on the stage that I love so much. Stability got in the way of the countless dreams I once had, the love of music and art. I can't write, I can't sing good enough, I can't act as good as I wanted. What makes people decide they can ruin your chances at their dreams? Once upon a time I wouldn't let people bother me, what changed what made me so rough around the edges? Who am I, why am I different, where did this outside shell come from, why am I someone other than who I want to be? It's time to open the door of the mind and change that person to the happy go lucky I used to be!

The Things That Bring Meaning

I'd like to apologize...First to my wife, and second to anyone that read yesterdays ramble...I love my wife more than anything and yesterday was just a sore spot in my consciousness...I need to remember to be nice to her somedays otherwise people will think I hate her. And I lover her, she's my life my universe and my EVERYTHING!!!

What is it about Fall that makes me smile so much...As we walked to lunch yesterday and saw all the pumpkins and stuff outside of Albertson's it put a huge smile on my face.

It's thursday the only day of the week that's worse is tuesday, I have class tonight not looking forward to it, but I guess it could be worse! Just adds to already long day, I'm not looking for sympathy I mean I brought it upon myself, and I needed to get into school. I just wish it wasn't such a long class. It just seems to go on FOREVER.

My wife is a BIG fan of Yellowstone, we're hoping to go there next summer just before fall sememster starts, I hope it works out, I haven't been for a few years and I think it'll be fun, just need to get better about saving money. I wanna go to Wicked in the spring too, I've never seen it, and I'm sooo looking forward to it, which also means saving, I think we can do it. Just need to work hard!

The best part of the day is when Brooke and I have lunch together, I love spending time with her in the middle of the day. Makes me happy, and makes the day go better no matter how I'm feeling before, I love my baby girl more than anything!

Never ENOUGH

Why is it that no matter what a man does, it's never enough...He takes time off to spend it with his wife when she's sick, he goes to the doctor with her, he says she can waste gas and money and come to lunch every day with him. He takes a chemistry class that he's far under qualified for to make her happy, as well as to spend every night of the week with her he can...He pursues an education so he can be a teacher with her, he marries her so he's never apart from her. He does everything in his power to make her happy, but is she? Does any of this stuff help? NO because no matter what he does he always falls short, he's always one step behind where she wants him, he's 5 minutes later than he should be. He's at work at a dead end job everyday, to put food on her table, so they aren't in the poor house...He can never do or say the right thing. So why does he try, Because he loves her, he's pledging his undying love to her, with ever moment of every day. Why because he loves her, he wants to make her happy, he puts her on a pedestal, and before himself because she's his love, his life, his universe, his everything. She's the most amazing person out there to him, she's nothing short of special, she makes pie look like liver and onions (Not very appealing). I love her with all my heart and soul, but some days I wish I could live up to her expectations. Why are men never good enough, what is the purpose, does god just like to sit up in heaven and laugh at every man that tries...Sigh I give up. I love you...Please remember you're the bestest thing to me

Ramblings of the insane

Hi I'm Jay...I live in Utah with my beautiful wife Brooke-O.
Now that the background is out of the way, I guess You probably wanna know why I started talking...I think I just need a scratch paper to try and figure out why I feel the way I do anymore. Kind of cut off, kind of closed off. Mostly just raw and 6 ft under...There's nothing quite like the feeling of being alive but trying to scratch your way out of the casket you're in...Imagine waking up one morning and you've been buried alive (figuratively speaking of course) You're happy with every decision you've made...But something holds you back from putting that smile on your face every waking moment. You wish that you could make change a decision, but no, its exactly what you want...Except you're broken! How do you heal the wounds of 23 years of womanizing, screaming, and screwing up? It's easy lock yourself in a casket of self pity, loathing, and cold. NO that's not the right answer. You're seeing that every day that it continues. SO what now. Take a DEEP breath and decide its over, and you're GOING TO BE HAPPY...Even if it kills you and everyone else around you! HA HA HA