The need

How do I get rid of this built up hostility? I don't like being this way...I want to be someone completely different no one sees the person I used to be...So much has come over my soft inside that it's covered, covered by a rough film of ash...Once I knew who I was, what I was after years of pain and heartache I found my one and only who I ever want to lose, but the stress of life and all the shit that comes with it brings anger and pain. I once made the comment that I don't like christmas, and one of my friends said it's hard enjoying something when you're strapped for cash, at the time I was doing quite well on cash I could buy what I wanted when I wanted it. Now I realize why I can't be happy. It's because of this rugged exterior, it's poisened everything to the point that I dont feel, there's no pain, and therefore there's no happiness. It's all buried deep inside. I don't even cry anymore. I want to feel sad when things happen, but I can't bring myself to it, I get frustrated and I want to relax...I just need a reason for a good cry, I just don't have any. Nothing makes me as sad as I once felt, I was once so emotional, I cried when Angel dies in RENT...Now I don't even well up. What can I do to get rid of this, how do I feel again. Where is the pain when Brooke says goodbye. I don't want her to leave, but how do I show that. I've built up this wall so I don't have to let the emotions out. But sometime you just need to. The stress of it all piles up and comes out as frustration when I shouldn't be, I should be happy, scared, sad, joyful, ecstatic...I want these feeling even the hard ones to deal with I don't want frustration, rage or anger. I want somthing to feel good again! Every now and then the pain will fall apart and I should be left alone...Being cramped is not how I deal with things, being alone is the way to support me trying to deal, I know it's human nature to want to help, but if I'm having a hard time I need to deal with it before someone gets hurt I need to get it out, walk away and deal...This too shall pass but only if it gets out.