The need

How do I get rid of this built up hostility? I don't like being this way...I want to be someone completely different no one sees the person I used to be...So much has come over my soft inside that it's covered, covered by a rough film of ash...Once I knew who I was, what I was after years of pain and heartache I found my one and only who I ever want to lose, but the stress of life and all the shit that comes with it brings anger and pain. I once made the comment that I don't like christmas, and one of my friends said it's hard enjoying something when you're strapped for cash, at the time I was doing quite well on cash I could buy what I wanted when I wanted it. Now I realize why I can't be happy. It's because of this rugged exterior, it's poisened everything to the point that I dont feel, there's no pain, and therefore there's no happiness. It's all buried deep inside. I don't even cry anymore. I want to feel sad when things happen, but I can't bring myself to it, I get frustrated and I want to relax...I just need a reason for a good cry, I just don't have any. Nothing makes me as sad as I once felt, I was once so emotional, I cried when Angel dies in RENT...Now I don't even well up. What can I do to get rid of this, how do I feel again. Where is the pain when Brooke says goodbye. I don't want her to leave, but how do I show that. I've built up this wall so I don't have to let the emotions out. But sometime you just need to. The stress of it all piles up and comes out as frustration when I shouldn't be, I should be happy, scared, sad, joyful, ecstatic...I want these feeling even the hard ones to deal with I don't want frustration, rage or anger. I want somthing to feel good again! Every now and then the pain will fall apart and I should be left alone...Being cramped is not how I deal with things, being alone is the way to support me trying to deal, I know it's human nature to want to help, but if I'm having a hard time I need to deal with it before someone gets hurt I need to get it out, walk away and deal...This too shall pass but only if it gets out.

YAY SNOW

YAY SNOW...Tho it's been a beautiful fall, it is winter...And I ask the question, when is one allowed to start listening to Christmas music, most will say at least wait till thanksgiving...But I ask why...And after listening to the radio for about 20 minutes I realized, the beginning of November is not the time to be listening to it, tho the snow does put one in a Christmas mood, it is too early. There's just something about December that makes it just right for Christmas and it's music, I mean try Jesus was born in December and it just took 8 months for the wise man to make it to him. But back to the snow Yumi...I walked to lunch today and just wanted to run jump and play, I didn't but I wanted to. I love the snow it makes me sooo happy it's so great. I hate having to drive in it, but I love how it is when you're sitting in your house looking out at the snow cuddled with the one you love drinking hot coco in a blanket looking out at the beautiful whiteness fall! I love hot coco...Mmmm it is so good makes all the bad feelings go away I don't know how but it sure does it, esp with whip cream on top that is some amazing stuff. Why is it that makes things better? Im not sure but I'm glad it does!
Go have a cup you'll see!